Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)
by Lawson, JennyFormat: Hardcover
Pub. Date: 2012-04-17
Publisher(s): Amy Einhorn Books/Putnam
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Summary
For fans of Tina Fey and David Sedaris-Internet star Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, makes her literary debut. Jenny Lawson realized that the most mortifying moments of our lives-the ones we'd like to pretend never happened-are in fact the ones that define us. In Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Lawson takes readers on a hilarious journey recalling her bizarre upbringing in rural Texas, her devastatingly awkward high school years, and her relationship with her long-suffering husband, Victor. Chapters include: "Stanley the Magical, Talking Squirrel"; "A Series of Angry Post-It Notes to My Husband"; "My Vagina Is Fine. Thanks for Asking"; "And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane." Pictures with captions (no one would believe these things without proof) accompany the text.
Author Biography
Jenny Lawson is a columnist and one of the most popular bloggers on Twitter (hundreds of thousands of followers). Her blog, www.thebloggess.com, averages between 2-3 million page views per month. Jenny lives in the Texas Hill Country with her husband and daughter.
Table of Contents
| Introduction | p. 1 |
| I Was a Three-Year-Old Arsonist | p. 3 |
| My Childhood: David Copperfield Meets Guns & Ammo Magazine | p. 9 |
| Stanley, the Magical Talking Squirrel | p. 22 |
| Don't Tell Your Parents | p. 30 |
| Jenkins, You Motherfucker | p. 37 |
| If You Need an Arm Condom, It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your Life Choices | p. 46 |
| Draw Me a Fucking Dog | p. 58 |
| And That's Why Neil Patrick Harris Would Be the Most Successful Mass Murderer Ever | p. 70 |
| No One Ever Taught Me Couch Etiquette | p. 79 |
| Just Your Average Engagement Story | p. 83 |
| It Wasn't Stew | p. 88 |
| Married on the Fourth of July | p. 95 |
| There's No Place Like Home | p. 100 |
| A Series of Helpful Post-it Notes I Left Around the House for My Husband This Week | p. 105 |
| The Dark and Disturbing Secrets HR Doesn't Want You to Know | p. 111 |
| If You See My Liver, You've Gone Too Far | p. 125 |
| My Vagina Is Fine. Thanks for Asking | p. 134 |
| Phone Conversation I Had with My Husband After I Got Lost for the Eighty Thousandth Time | p. 140 |
| And Then I Got Stabbed in the Face by a Serial Killer | p. 146 |
| Thanks for the Zombies, Jesus | p. 164 |
| Making Friends with Girls | p. 169 |
| I Am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In That I Am Both "Great and Terrible" and Because I Sometimes Hide Behind the Curtains) | p. 191 |
| The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Door | p. 201 |
| An Open Letter to My Husband, Who Is Asleep in the Next Room | p. 209 |
| Just to Clarify: We Don't Sleep with Goats | p. 212 |
| Stabbed by Chicken | p. 221 |
| It Wasn't Even My Crack | p. 238 |
| Honestly, I Don't Even Know Where I Got That Machete: A Comic Tragedy in Three Farts Days | p. 247 |
| I'm Going to Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest | p. 258 |
| And That's Why You Should Learn to Pick Your Battles | p. 277 |
| Hairless Rats: Free for Kids Only | p. 282 |
| And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane | p. 287 |
| You Can't Go Home Again (Unless You Want to Get Mauled by Wild Dogs) | p. 297 |
| Epilogue | p. 307 |
| The End (Sort of) | p. 309 |
| True Facts | p. 815 |
| Acknowledgments | p. 317 |
| Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved. |
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